Cursing the Gods All Over Again

I don’t get it. Maybe it’s the fact that my thumbs are older. Or that I’m just not used to the sensitivity of my spankin’ new PS3 controller. Did I have this many massive outbursts of nerd rage the first time I played God of War? I don’t think so. At least, I hope not. It’s kind of embarrassing. Oh I was getting so mad, I was pounding the arm of my easy chair and pretending that I still had some dignity, and trying not to sound like that angry German kid. Thank goodness I beat the damn thing when no one was home. The other half of Team Ultra has witnessed enough of my embarrassing, close-to-throwing-the-controller tantrums that shouldn’t be happening. Because I beat this game once before. So that means it should be easy to beat again, right?

Hah, THAT’s where the gods taunt me!

It’s always fun to play the HD version of a game you loved back in the day. God of War is no different. I hadn’t gotten the opportunity to see Kratos in HD until now, and I was very pleased with the higher-res blood sprays. God of War was one of those games I felt was made just for me, the myth geek that never got to see her beloved stories taken in quite this route before (unless you count the amazingly awesome Clash of the Titans, and I’m not talking about the amazingly awful remake). I got to fight minotaurs and satyrs, talk to the gods and use their powers, and get my groove on with some half-naked Grecian ho-bags. As the years progressed, I couldn’t wait to finally get my PS3 and finish out Kratos’ story. But I had to replay the first two before I delved into the finale.

I remembered a lot of the sections that may have caused previous nerd rage. You see, it’s never the monsters that piss me off; even if I get killed once or twice I can usually power through and live to see the next checkpoint. Nope, it’s the fact that not only is Kratos expected to be a vicious warrior and skilled wielder of the gods’ powers, but he’s also expected to be a friggin’ acrobat. I died more trying to walk across a damn pole than I did the entire rest of the game. And that, my friends, is frustrating as hell. Over and over, load the screen, walk out a little bit, jump a blade or two, get the chest, get hit and fall and die. Walk, jump, fall, die. I can mimic Kratos screaming as he falls to his death. To add to the insult, my xbox-trained thumbs felt like they kept slipping off the sticks, making Kratos do dumb things. Like fall a lot. Onto spikes. The Blades of Hades section had to be created by someone diabolical. It was probably the same designer that put in the stupid part where you have to push that damn block over to the ledge before the spikes pop up. Died about 15 times on that one. Pull the lever, pull the damn block, then try to kick it at just the right angle a couple times, jump on it and up before you die. It sucked. Then when you’re in the underworld it’s time for the balance Olympics. This part should have been called Tartarus because of how torturous it was. Running on spinning logs with spikes on them, slip and fall off or hit a blade and fall off, rinse, repeat. Then when you’re lucky enough to get through those, you have to do it vertically. I almost welcomed Ares chopping my head off umpteen times, because at least I was dying because I’m bad at hitting the block button.

Anyway, I did it, and God of War is officially under my belt once again. Now to tackle the next one. Hopefully my easy chair and my controller will survive. I’m sure Kratos won’t.